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"I haven't felt this relaxed and carefree since I was watch commander at Pearl Harbor."


Here are some highlight quotes. Check the episode guide for a complete list of quotes by episode.

Season | All | 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | 10 | 11 | 12 | 13 | 14 | 15 | 16 | 17 | 18 |

Season Episode Quote
Season 01 7G05 Grampa: "Dear Advertisers, I am disgusted with the way old people are depicted on television. We are not all vibrant, fun loving sex maniacs. Many of us are bitter, resentful individuals who remember the good old days when entertainment was bland and inoffensive. The following is a list of words I never want to hear on television again. Number one: bra. Number two: horny. Number three: family jewels."
Season 01 7G05

"You know, I thought I was too old. I thought my time had passed. I thought I'd never hear the screams of pain or see the look of terror in a young man's eyes. Thank heaven for children."

Season 02 7F16 Grampa: "She did things you mother would never do. Like have sex for money.
Season 02 7F16

"A millionaire! Oh, I kept the wrong one. Look son, I'll come as soon as I can get out of here. In the mean time, please don't do anything stupid."

Season 02 7F20 Marge: "Grampa, could you do something?"

Grampa: "I can dress myself."
Season 02 7F07

"If I'm not back at the home by nine they declare me legally dead and collect my insurance!"

Season 03 8F17

Grampa: "Hey, the dogs dead."

Bart: "Grampa, he's not dead."

Homer: "Dad, you shouldn't say the Dog's dead when he's not."

Lisa: "It's not fair to toy with peoples emotions like that."

Grampa: "He is dead. I'll get a shovel."

Marge: "Well he's not dead but he is awfully sick."

Grampa:"Oh sure, the old man's off his rocker. If Grampa says he's dead he must be alive."

Lisa: "He is alive, he's wagging his tail."

Grampa: "That's only nothing. Dogs wag their tails for hours after they die. I'm tired of this conversation. Let's talk about something else. I'm going home."

Season 04 9F02 Homer: "Dad, am I cute as a bug's ear?"

Grampa: "No, you're homely as a mule's butt!"
Season 04 9F04

Grampa: "Happy birthday, Bart."

"Thanks, Grampa."

"Where'd you get all the money?"

Grampa: "The government. I didn't earn it, I don't need it, but if they miss one payment, I'll raise hell!"


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Season 04 9F04

Grampa: "That doll is evil, I tells ya. Evil! Eeeeviiilllll!"

Marge: "Grampa, you said that about all the presents."

Grampa: "I just want attention."


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Season 04 9F04

Bart: "Nice try, Mr. Flanders, but I've got a story so scary you'll wet your pants!"
Grampa: "Too late."


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Season 04 9F05

"Maggie, your babysitters here. What's that mean? Ohhh, you must be sick! Lets see, what's old doc Washburn prescribe? Do you have dropsy? The grip? Scrofula? The vapors? Jungle rot? Dandy fever? Poor man's gout? Housemaid's knee? Climatic boo bow? The staggers? Dum dum fever?"


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Season 04 9F05

Grampa: "Good news boy, I found a pharmacy that carries leeches. Well, it wasn't exactly a pharmacy, more of a bait shop."

Bart: "Look Grampa, I'm fine. I really don't need anymore home remedies."

Grampa: "Oral thermometer my eye! Think warm thoughts boy cause this is mighty cold."


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Season 04 9F07

Homer: "Get out of here you lousy...season."

Grampa: "Alright I'm going. It's cold and my head hurts."

Season 04 9F09

"They say the greatest tragedy is when a father outlives his son. I have never fully understood why. Frankly, I can see an up side to it!"

Season 04 9F12

"Lisa, I'm glad you came. I know you younguns think we old timers aren't any fun, but we'll show em. We'll show em all ah hahaha!" [he falls asleep]

Season 04 9F15

"We can't bust heads like we used to, but we have our ways. One trick is to tell them stories that don't go anywhere. Like the time I took the fairy to Shelbyville. I needed a new heel for my shoe so I decided to go to Morganville, which is what they called Shelbyville in those days. So I tied an onion to my belt, which was the style at the time. Now to take the ferry cost a nickel, and in those days, nickels had pictures of bumblebees on them. Give me five bees for a quarter you'd say. Now where were we, oh ya. The important thing was that I had an onion on my belt, which was the style at the time. They didn't have white onions because if the war. The only thing you could get was those big yellow ones."


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Season 04 9F17

Grampa: "Poor Homer, this world was never meant for one as beautiful as you."

[Homer foams at the mouth and starts to drool]

Grampa: "Ahh! Kill it! Kill it!"

Marge: "Grampa, please, he's in a coma."

Grampa: "Coma pffft, why I go in and out of comas all the... [slips into a coma] French toast please."

Lisa: "Is a coma painful?"

Grampa: "Oh, heck no. You get to relive long lost summers, kiss girls from high school. It's kinda like one of those TV shows where they show a bunch of clips from old episodes."

Season 04 9F16

Grampa: "When I read your magazine I don't see one wrinkled face or single toothless grin. For shame! To the sickos at at Modern Bride magazine."


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Season 04 9F16
Grampa: "Alright, lets see, first name, first name. Well, whenever I'm confused, I just check my underwear. It holds the answers to all the important questions. Call me Abraham Simpson."

Lisa: "Grampa, how'd you take off your underwear without taking off your pants?"

Grampa: "I don't know!"


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Season 04 9F16 Bart: "Didn't you wonder why you were getting checks for doing
absolutely nothing?"

Grampa: "I figured because the democrats were in power again."

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Season 04 9F16

Grampa: "Dear Mr. President, there are too many states nowadays. Please eliminate three. I am not a crackpot."


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Season 04 9F16

Grampa: "Thank you for this award. It is a tribute to this great country that a man who once took a shot at Teddy Roosevelt could win back your trust."


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Season 04 9F18

Grampa: "I got separated from my platoon after we parachuted into Duseldorf so I rode out the rest of the war posing as a German cabaret singer.[singing] Won't you come home Frantbrelda, won't you come home."

Bart: "Is that story true Grampa?"

Grampa: "Most of it. I did wear a dress for a period in the 40s. Oh, they had designers then."

Season 04 9F18

"I'm an old man. I hate everything but Matlock. Ooh, it's on now!"

Season 04 9F16

Bart: "Yo, Grampa, time for the awards."

Grampa: "Did you call the girl from the escort service?"

Lisa: "They said their insurance won't cover you."

Grampa: "Oooh, that's an onion in the ointment."


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Season 05 9F21

Grampa: "Old Macdonald had a farm e-i-e-i-o. And on that farm he had a chick, the swingest chick I know! With a wiggle wiggle here and a wiggle wiggle there!"

Homer: "Get off the stage!"

Grampa: "I want to, but I can't!"

Season 05 9F22

Grampa: "I say we call Matlock. He'll find the culprit. It's probably that evil Gavin MacLeod or George 'Goober' Lindsay."

Bart: "Grampa, Matlock's not real."

Grampa: "Neither are my teeth, but I can still eat corn on the cob if someone cuts it off and mushes it into a fine paste. Now that's good eatin!"

Season 05 9F22

Homer: "Relax Marge, I tied up all the loose ends before we left."

"Hello? Hello? You have my pills! Hello? I'm cold, and there are wolves after me." [Wolves howl in the distance]

Season 05 1F01 Grampa: "Son! You gotta help me. I hit three people on the way over here and I don't have any insurance! So how's 'bout you?"

Season 05 1F04 Lenny: "Sorry Homer. While you were daydreaming we ate all the donuts."

"Well, there were a few left, but we chucked them at an old man for kicks."

Grampa: "Damn buzzards! I ain't dead yet."

Season 05 1F04

Grampa: "Quick! We have to kill the boy!"

"How'd you know he's a vampire?"

"He's a vampire? Aah!"

Season 05 1F05 "We like Roy! We like Roy!"
Season 05 1F08

Bum: "Got any spare change, man?"

"Yes! And you ain't getting it. Everybody wants something for nothing. [He walks into a social security building] I'm old, gimme gimme gimme!"

Season 05 1F08

Grampa: "Come on, lucky seven! Poppa needs a new pair of spats. I want some of that sweet, sweet Do Re Mi. Fat city, here I come!"

Apu: "Please throw the dice now, please, now."

Grampa: "Don't rush me! I have arthritis."

"Would the gentleman please roll the dice?"

"All right, all right, smart guy. Oh, for crying out loud I dropped one. Oh, now it's in my shoe. Ow! Ow! Oh! Ow! Oh! Ow!"

Season 05 1F09

Grampa: "I'll join! I'm filled with piss and vinegar. At first I was just filled with vinegar."

Season 05 1F09 Grampa: "Well, well, well! Before I was just too old and no one wanted my help. Suddenly, look who comes to old Grampa for - wait! Where are you going? Come back, I'll tell ya. He was right under my nose the whole time. He lives in my retirement home. His name is Malloy."

"Wow! How'd you track him down, Grampa?"

"Good question. On one of my frequent trips to the ground, I noticed Malloy wore sneakers, for sneaking. My next clue came justyesterday at the museum. We felt slighted by your age bashing and started home. Malloy said, 'I'll catch up with you.' [Malloy starts climbing the side of the building] I couldn't quite put my finger on it. There was something strange about the way he walked, much more vertical than usual. And finally, Malloy, unlike most retired people, has the world's largest cubic zirconia on his coffee table."

"Aw, Dad, I could kiss you!"

"Well, kiss me right here. It's the only part that still has feeling."

Season 05 1F11 "I have to pay to see my own grandson? That's the Democrats for ya."
Season 05 1F10

"Ah , there's an interesting story behind this nickle. In 1957 I remember it was, I got up in the moring and made myself a peice of toast. I set the toaster to three, medium brown."

Season 05 1F12 Hibbert: "Welcome to the new Springfield Center for Geriatric Medicine. You know, health care for the aging is an important priority in this..."

Grampa: "Get to Matlock! Maaatlooock!"


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Season 05 1F12 Grampa: "I leave these: a box of mint-condition 1918 liberty-head silver dollars. You see, back in those days, rich men would ride around in Zeppelins, dropping coins on people, and one day I seen J. D. Rockefeller flying by. So I run of the house with a big washtub and, where are you going?"

Homer: "Dad, we'd love to stay here and listen to your amusing antidote, but we have to take these coins to the mall and spend em!"

[story continues at the mall]

Grampa: "Anyway, about my washtub. I just used it that morning to wash my turkey, which in those days was known as a walking bird. We'd always have walking bird on Thanksgiving with all the trimmings: cranberries, injun eyes, and yams stuffed with gunpowder. Then we'd all watch football, which in those days was called baseball."


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Season 05 1F12

Grampa: "When I was young, toys were built to last. Look at this junk! It breaks the first time you take it out of the box. And look at these toy soldiers. They'll break the second I step on 'em. Ah! Stupid! Toy! Soldiers! Break, you stupid!"

Guard: "All right, come on, Pops. Soldiers won't bother you any more."


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Season 05 1F12

Grampa: "Hey! Watch it with that thing! My skull is eggshell thin."


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Season 05 1F12 Lisa: "Thanks for buying us these toys Grampa."

Grampa: "Ehh, why didn't you get something useful, like storm windows, or a nice pipe organ? I'm thirsty. Ew, what smells like mustard? There're sure a lot of ugly people in your neighborhood. Oh! Look at that one. Ow, my glaucoma just got worse. The president is a Demmycrat. Hello? I can't unbuckle my seat belt. Hello?

[he finally gets out of the car]

"There are too many leaves in your walkway."


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Season 05 1F12

Grampa: "Why are you people avoiding me? Does my withered face remind you of the grim specter of Death?"

Homer: Yes, but there's more. Dad, I love you, but you're a weird, sore-headed old crank and nobody likes ya!"

Grampa: "Consarn it! I guess I am an old crank. But what am I going to do about it?"

[sees a Buzz Cola commercial]

Grampa: "Holy smokes, that's it! From now on I'm thinkin', actin', and lookin' young, and I'm gonna start with a bottle of Buzz Cola. Oh! Ah! Ow! The bubbles are burning my tongue! Ow! Oh! Water! Water!"


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Season 05 1F12

Grampa: "Come in, come in. Mayday! I'm losing your transmission!

Man: "I said french fries!"

Grampa: "What the? Do we sell... french... fries?"


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Season 05 1F12

Grampa: "Hey! Now that old man Peterson's off our backs, let's have some fun! Ever see a sandwich that could take a bite out of you? Ha ha ha. Look at the sandwich! It's going to bite you."

[The kid wraps up the burger with his teeth in it]

Man: "Ow! Damn sandwich took a bite out of me!"


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Season 05 1F13 Lisa: "Come on, Dad. You can make it!"

Grampa: "Aw, of course he'll make it. It's TV."
Season 05 1F14 "Let's sacrifice him to our god! Come on, we did it all the time in the thirties."
Season 05 1F15

Grampa: "Hey, they're playing the elephant song!"

Season 05 1F21

Grampa: "Ooh! Put some Lister's Carbolic Unguent on a wad of cotton, put the cotton it in her ear. That'll stop them shakes."

"No, no. What she needs is a Balsam Specific."

"Balsam Specific?! Oh! While we're burning money, why don't we give her a Curative Galvanic Belt too."

" Don't forget to give her Smeckler's Powder."

Grampa and Jackie:
"Don't make fun!"

Season 05 1F21 Grampa: "Ooh, I feel all funny. I'm in love! No, wait. It's a stroke.No, wait! It is love! I'm in love!"

Season 05 1F21

Grampa: "Hot diggety! I'm gonna smooch her like a mule eating an apple! I even bought me some special novelty dentures. See?"

"Dad, that will never work. If you want to make your move, you gotta play it cool. Now what you gotta do if you wanna get a kiss, is act real smooth and make your move like this." [yawns, and puts his arm around Abe's shoulder]

"Oh, I see! So if I take your advice and make your patented move, then my chances for love will slightly improve?"

Homer: "Now what's that rule?"

"Play it cool."

Season 05 1F21 Grampa: "I can't remember when I felt this young. Oh, I really can't!"
Season 05 1F21 Grampa: Grr. That big ape thinks he can muscle in on my girl, does he? I'll show him. I'm gonna give him the frowning of a lifetime!"

Season 05 1F21

"Aw, who needs her? Now I'll have more time to read things I find on the ground. La...tex...con...do. Boy I'd like to live in one of those!"

Season 05 1F21

[over ending credits]

"I first took a fancy to Mrs. Bouvier because her raspy voice reminded me of my old Victrola. Oh, it was a fine machine. With a volcanized rubber listening tube which ya crammed in your ear. The tube would go in easier with some sort of lubricant like lind seed oil or Dr. Shomways...Oh! I'm sorry."

Season 05 1F20 "Just eat the damn oranges!"
Season 05 1F21

Song: The Sounds of Grampa

Season 06 2F02

Quimby: "And this proposed expressway will bring increased commerce to our local merchants."

Grampa: "What's in it for us?"

"Yeah, give us something we like or we'll ride you out of town on a rail!"
Quimby: "Ahem, well, uh, what do you people like?"

Jasper: "Sleep".

Crazy Old Man:
"Sexy dames, and plenty of em."


"Well, I suppose I could name it the Matlock Expressway."

Season 06 2F03

Homer: "OK, don't panic, remember the advice your father gave you on your wedding day."

Grampa: "If you ever travel back in time, don't step on anything because even the tiniest change can alter the future in ways you can't imagine."

Season 06 2F04

Mrs. Lovejoy: [sees the empty collection plate] "Everyone turn around and look at this!"

Grampa: "What is it? A Unitarian?"

Season 06 2F04

"I was the one that canceled 'Star Trek'!"

Season 06 2F06 Marge: "There are only 49 stars on that flag."

"I'll be deep in the cold, cold ground before I recognize Missoura!"
Season 06 2F07

Grampa: "Welcome home, Son. I broke two lamps and lost all your mail. What's wrong with your wife?"

"Never mind, you wouldn't understand."



"Protein deficiency?"




"Unsatisfying sex life?"

"N- yes! But please, don't you say that word!"

"What, seeeex? What's so unappealing about hearing your elderly father talk about sex? I had sex."

Season 06 2F07 Grampa: " Lemme sell it, you idjit. Step right up, folks, and witness the magnificent medicinal miracle of Simpson & Son's patented revitalizing tonic. Put some ardor in your larder with our energizing, moisturizing, tantalizing, romanticizing, surprising, her prizing, revitalizing tonic."

Season 06 2F07

Grampa: "Hurry up! We've got a lot of tonic to sell and a lot of towns to visit: Frigid Falls, Mount Seldom, Lake Flaccid."

Season 06 2F07 Grampa: "You, President? This is the greatest country in the world. We've got a whole system set up to prevent people like you from ever becoming president. Quit your daydreaming, melonhead!"
Season 06 2F07

"Quit your daydreaming, melonhead!"
Season 06 2F07

"I'm going to get out of the car, and I hope you'll find it in your heart not to drive away. Well, I'll be all right as long as I can remember my army training... Dang."

Season 06 2F07 Homer: " So, are you going to say something nice now?"

"Well I hadn't thought that far ahead. Oh, Okay, here it goes. I'm not sorry I had you, son. I was always proud...that you weren't a short man."
Season 06 2F08

"Wow, we must be really flying high! Those people down there look all tiny and blurry, just like the inside of a cataract."

Season 06 2F09 Lisa: "You're a member of the Stonecutters Grampa?"

Grampa: "Oh, sure. Let's see, I'm an elk, a Mason, a communist. I'm the president of the Gay and Lesbian Alliance for some reason. Ah, here it is. The Stonecutters."

Season 06 2F31

Brockman: "In science, dead last."

"I'm telling you people, the earth revolves around the sun!"

"Burn him!"

Season 06 2F31

Grampa: "The metric system is the tool of the devil! My car gets forty rods to the hogshead and that's the way I likes it."

Season 06 2F18

"We could use a new pet over at the home seeing as how we accidentally killed that smart mouth bird."

Season 06 2F32 Lisa: "Uh, maybe I need to talk to somebody with a little more age and wisdom."

Grampa: "Death stalks you at every turn!"

Lisa: "Grampa!"

Grampa: "Well, it does. Aaah! Death! There it is. Death!"

Lisa: "It's only Maggie."

" Oh, yeah. You know, at my age, the mind starts playing tricks. So, aaah! Death!"

"That's only the cat."

"Oh. Aah! Death!"

"That's Maggie again, Grampa."

Grampa: "Oh. Where were we? Death!"
Season 06 2F22

"And with that, a mighty cheer went up from the heroes of Springfield. They had brought the sacred tree back to its native soil, and though Flanders was stuck with the impound fee, he could easily afford it."

Season 06 2F16 Marge: "Strained carrots for Maggie, strained carrots for Grampa."

"I want a bib too!"

Season 06 2F16

Grampa: "Hey, the lamp's running away!"

"That's my dog, man!"

"So long, lamp. Now stop loafing and help your Grampa unpack."

Season 07 2F20 Marge: "The police already have a suspect, it's Mr. Smithers."

"Yeah, Smingers did it. Case closed. Now where's my hat? I'm going to the outhouse."

Lisa: "We don't have an outhouse."

"My tool shed! Oh Dad!"
Season 07 2F20

"Eh, you never know what you're capable of. I never thought I could shoot down a German plane, but last year I proved myself wrong."

Season 07 3F01

Homer: "We leave you the kids for three hours and the county takes them away!"
Grampa: "Oh, bitch, bitch, bitch."

Season 07 3F04 Lisa: "Bart! Don't you realize what this means? The next time we fall asleep, we could die!"

"Ehh, welcome to my world!"

Season 07 3F04

"I'll save Homer! All I needs is four stout men to work the bellows."

Season 07 3F06 Mona: "Abe, isn't Homer cute?"

"Probably. I'm trying to watch the Super Bowl. If people don't support this thing, it might not make it."

Howard Cosell:
"Joe Willy Namath, swaggering off the field, his sideburns an apogee of sculpted sartorium. The foppish follicles pioneered by Ambrose Burnside, Appomattox 1865."

Mona: "His wild, untamed facial hair revealed a new world of rebellion, of change. A world where doors were open for women like me, but Abe was stuck in his button down plastic fantastic Madison Avenue scene."

"Look at them sideburns! He looks like a girl. Now, Johnny Unitas, there's a haircut you could set your watch to."

Season 07 3F06

FBI Guy: "Freeze. FBI. The jig is up."

"Alright, I admit it! I am the Lindbergh baby! Waah! Waah! Goo goo. I miss my fly fly dada."

FBI Guy:
"Are you trying to stall us, or are you just senile?"

"A little from column A, a little from column B."

Season 07 3F08 Bart: "Look at that hunk of junk."

"Oh, jeeh, you're ignorant! That's the Wright Brothers' plane. At Kitty Hawk in 1903, Charles Lindbergh flew it fifteen miles on a thimbleful of corn oil. Single handedly won us the Civil War, it did."

"So how do you know so much about American history?"

"I pieced it together, mostly from sugar packets."
Season 07 3F08

"This elevator only goes to the basement. And somebody made an awful mess down there."

Season 07 3F08

"Hey everybody, I'm gonna haul ass to Lollapalooza!"

Season 07 3F09 Grampa: "Big deal! When I was a pup, we got spanked by Presidents till the cows came home. Grover Cleveland spanked me on two nonconsecutive occasions."
Season 07 3F19

"Yeah, well, I may not have a fancy black bathrobe and a hammer like Snooty, but I do have slippers and an oatmeal spoon. Look!"

Season 07 3F19

Grampa: "Now! Hey, listen! Now, my story begins in 19 dickety two. We had to say dickety 'cause that Kaiser had stolen our word twenty. I chased that rascal to get it back, but gave up after dickety six miles."

"Dickety? Highly dubious!"

Season 07 3F19 Grampa: "Now, I'd like to digress from my prepared remarks to discuss how I invented the terlet."

"Terlet? Hah!"

"Stop your snickering! I spent three years on that terlet!"

Season 07 3F19

Grampa: "Nurse! Someone's trying to kill me!"

"Okay, we'll do something about that right away. Let's start by doubling your medication."

Season 07 3F19

Bart: "Hey, Grampa, do you think that dead bodies get up and walk around at night?"

"If they're anything like me, they have to get up twice.

Season 07 3F20 Grampa: "Alright, ya got me. The story of the Simpson family began in the Old Country. I forget which one exactly. My dad would drone on and on about America. He thought it was the greatest thing since sliced bread. Sliced bread having been invented the previous winter."
Season 07 3F20 Abe's dad: "See that, son? That's where we're going to live. Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, but someday."

"Later that day, we set sail for America."

Abe's dad:
" See that son? That's our new home."

Young Abe:
"Yay! I love America!"

Abe's mom:
"Abe! Supper's on!"

"We had to move out once we filled the head with garbage."

Season 07 3F20

"Hey! The government can't control the sky. What if you lived in a balloon?"

Season 08 4F05 Marge: "Careful of the apple pie on the seat."

"Uh oh!"

Marge: "Grampa, are you sitting on the pie?"

"I sure hope so."

Season 08 4F06

Jasper: "Are they talking about the bordello?"

"No! The burlesque house. So just keep your mouth shut."

Season 08 3G01 Grampa: "For the love of god, help me! I've been here for four days and that turtle's got all of my teeth! There he is! Come back here you! Slow down! I'll get you!"

"This is the worst assignment we've ever had."

"Worse than the time we were attacked by the flesh eating virus?"

Grampa: "Oww! He bit me with my own teeth!"

"No, this is much more irritating."
Season 08 3G03

Shary: "Now, as your nanny, I'll do everything from telling stories to changing diapers."

Grampa: "Put me down for one of each."

Season 08 4F20 Grampa: "Dang right. Fact is, I invented kissing. It was during World War I and they were looking for a new way to spread germs..."

Season 08 4F21 Lisa: "Oh, Grampa! You're not busy, are you?"

Grampa: "Well, you're really asking two questions there. The first one takes me back to 1934. Admiral Byrd had just reached the pole, only hours ahead of the Three Stooges ... and I guess he won the argument, but I walked away with the turnips. The following morning, I resigned my commission in the Coast Guard. The next thing I heard, there was civil war in Spain ... and, that's everything that happened in my life right up to the time I got this phone call."
Season 09 3G02 Homer: "Now son, on your first day of school, I'd like to pass on the words of advice my father gave me."

Grampa: "Homer, you're dumb as a mule and twice as ugly! If a strange man offers you a ride, I say, take it!"

Season 09 3G02

Marge: "Well, Grampa, as long as you're here, we were telling a story that took place when Bart was five and Lisa was three."

Grampa: "Oh, I know this story! The year was nineteen ought six. The President is the divine Miss Sarah Burnheart and all over America people were doing a dance called the Funky Grampa! Oh I'm the..." [falls asleep]

Season 09 3G02

Marge: "And so, just as things looked their worst..."

Grampa: "I realized I could make money selling my medication to dead heads!"

Marge: "Grampa, what are you talking about?"

Grampa: "Uhh...nothing."

Season 09 5F03

Smithers: "That's the end of the girl's floor exercise. Now, lets bring on the men!"

Homer: "Wish me luck dad!"

Grampa: "Just don't screw up like you always do."

[Homer is performing his routine]

Grampa: "You're gonna blow it!"

[Homer falls down]

"Ah! That's what I get for having faith in you!"

Season 09 5F07

"Oh, the pharmaceutical man came and he pumped us full of Christmas cheer!"

Season 09 3G04 Grampa: "That's not a war story! I'll tell ya a war story! I was on PT109 with John F. Kennedy. I was the first to discover his terrible secret."


Kennedy: "Ich bin ein Berliner."

Grampa: "He's a Nazi! Get him!"

Season 09 3G04

Brockman: "Could Homer Simpson be a communist? His father spoke out on his behalf."

Grampa: "My Homer is not a communist. He may be a liar, a pig, an idiot, a communist, but he is not a porn star!"

Season 10 AABF02 Grampa: "How should I know? It was your mother's job to name you, and love you and such. I was mainly in it for the spanking."
Season 10 AABF04

Krusty: "Hey, hey! Krusty, here to cheer you up as part of the hospital's last laugh program!"

Grampa: "Last laugh?"

Season 10 AABF09 "Oh, wait a minute. The family name is my legacy to you. I got it from my father, and he got it from his father, and he traded a mule for it! And that mule went on to save Spring Break!"
Season 10 AABF16

"Grass today is sharper than when I was a boy"

Season 10 AABF16

"I haven't felt this relaxed and carefree since I was watch commander at Pearl Harbor."

Season 11 BABF01 "Man alive, what a stinko thousand years. Blimp wrecks, teenagers, then again we had two TV shows with Andy Griffith."
Season 13 DABF01 Grampa: "Morning, love muffin."

Amber: "Who are you?"

Grampa: "I'm your new husband, and that was a wedding night I'll never forget."

Amber: "Oh, no! We didn't."

Grampa: "We almost didn't, but you wouldn't take I can't for an answer. Wanna give honest Abe another term in the Oval Office?"

Amber: "No!"

Grampa: "Oh, thank God."

Season 13 DABF01

Grampa: "Oh, I lost another wife."

Lisa: "I'm so sorry, Grampa."

Grampa: "Well, it hurts now, but the senility will take care of that. There she goes.

Season 15 EABF07 Lisa: [To Bart] "Ha ha, you wet your pants."

Grampa: "Hey, it's a serious problem.".
Season 16 FABF16

"I didn't die in World War II just to be pushed around by some pill hoarding hussy. I'm gonna fight this thing!"

Season 16 FABF16

Marge: "Well, the drug company won't do anything to help us."

Grampa: "I've got the answer!"

Homer: "Dad?"

Grampa: "Oh, thank god it's the right place. I burst into four homes before this one. Now listen, all the drugs we want are right across the border. I have a friend who'll help us."

Season 16 GABF04 Grampa: "What am I not invited to this time?"

Bart: "A gay wedding, but I can get you in."

Grampa: "You can! Is there an open bar?"

Bart: "No, cash."

Grampa: "Well, I say this whole thing is against nature."
Season 16 GABF05


Season 16 GABF05

"Make me proud, or at least less ashamed."

Season 17 HABF01

Cyrus: Kamikazes at 2:00!

Grampa: Well, I don't usually drink after lunch, but - Oh my god! The sky is filled with that kind of plane that crashes into the boat!

Season 17 HABF01

I wish I tried reefer!

Season 17 HABF01

You back stabber! And I let you spoon me.